Empty storefront, priced to sell at $18.95 (fairly thorough removal of transients for a small upcharge)! Let's get down to the brass tacks: if you generally like your buildings to be of the assembled variety, never, ever, under ANY circumstance, remove the brass tacks. And even though we've been making due without one (pun 100% intended), there IS a toilet hookup somewhere in the back office area (and electricity's not entirely out of the question if you know a decent electrician with mortuary experience). If you really wanna make the place pop, the rear wall is currently set up to accept a rear door. 4,000 sq feet of floor-ready interior gravel bedding is primed and aching to become any hard bottom surface you can dream up. A few quick notes to put you at ease: 1) graffiti removal isn't as labor intensive as you probably think, especially when a cloud of mercury is always hovering nearby 2) hordes of plague-savaged rabbits can actually be a great business draw 3) pipes are the best way to transfer fluids from one area to another, so maybe consider investing in one 4) the Bernie that lives in reception DID have a rough go of it, and yeah, 'nam DOES come back to him in terrifying ways from time to time …but we promise he doesn't bite very much. (Wish we could say the same for the rabbits.) Don't feel rushed, but we HAVE had a lot of lookers …and once they conclude their various investigations, we'll finally know the truth. To schedule a walk-through, please send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to Huntsville State Prison, D-block tier 2, and we'll try to get some drifters out to your house in the dark of night to pose you a series of evermore cryptic clues regarding the place's address, probably sometime between tomorrow and the next 8 to 14 weeks. ✣
What's On The Steam-Powered Story Time Contraption Tonight?
9:30 — Obstinate Paranoia
(live; repeat)10:00 — Barefaced Fearmongering
(live; repeat)10:30 — Solid Red Angry Screen For A Half Hour
(live; repeat) ✣
Mr. Tambourine Man, 50. Husband, father, accompaniment to many. Survived by wife Debra Tambourine Man (née Oboe), three grown maracas, and six grand pianos. All-ages services to be held this Saturday at the House of Blues. Doors at 7. ✣
Great starter car. She's a '70 or '80 Datsun Firebomber family wagon sport. Old girl's been good to me. 7K miles on first couple engines. Not in “working mode” at the moment, but only needs full replacement of metal and rubber parts. Transmission's in the trunk and isn't plugged in right now, but you should be able to kill most of the snakes and clear a spot for it in the drivetrain, no prob. 4 doors, but the roof's gone right now, so they can't hook in anywhere. Mostly been using this workhorse as a livestock feed station the past thirty years, so you'll probably wanna flush the fuel lines and keep her away from cattle. She's a dainty gas-sipper, but be sure to prime her with a cup of canola oil every 3 or 4 minutes. And if you're planning to tow her, know that she ejects her wheel assemblies when rolled on surfaces, so bring plenty of battleship-grade mooring cable and a car-sized toboggan. $4,580 obo. Will consider straight-across trades for classic cereal box collections. ✣
Forgive all of us here at the Haystack Dynamics Institute for perhaps stating the obvious, but why don't you just sell some of the hay, and then use the proceeds to buy a new needle? Who thought looking through that haystack would be a sensible use of anyone's time? Those clowns over at the Needle Dynamics Institute must've thought that was one hellhell of a special-assspecial-ass needle or something. ✣
RACE RELATIONS UPDATE:
Shelly Watson, a racist 47-year-old white woman from Celeryville, Ohio, was shocked to discover that she actually prefers the feel of the glossy, ebony dildodildo she was given as a lark, to that of her trusted alabaster member, one “Li'l Douglas.” Mrs. Watson—“Shel” to her many racist white friends—now wonders if perhaps she's been wrong about “those black folk” all along—or at least wrong about plasticized facsimiles of their disembodied genitals,genitals, from which, she's heard, one can never go back. ⋈
Call me a top-secret government land-whale, but if that Supercuts stylist had snipped my baleen any shorter, you'd be looking straight up my blowhole right about now. ✣
PREVIOUSLY, ON THE AFTERNOON SOAP OPERA…DOUGLAS THE ROOF CLEANER
Excuse me, ma'am.SAMANTHA L.
Yes? Who's there?DOUGLAS THE ROOF CLEANER
It's me, ma'am. It's Douglas the roof cleaner. Someone here called me to clean the roof.SAMANTHA L.
Oh, did they now?DOUGLAS THE ROOF CLEANER
Yep. They said the roof needed to be cleaned a lot.SAMANTHA L.
Do You Know The Truth?!
The folksy, increasingly prevalent expression “kill two birds with one stone” is not nearly as old as you have been led to believe! In fact, there are literally zero recorded instances of its use or utterance in writing or speech! However, following World War I—a suspiciously prophetic moniker if ever there was—and the unprecedented death and destruction it wrought on much of continental Europe, all of history was rewritten by the Freemasons (in conjunction with the Illuminati, and aided by a loose consortium of underworld lizard people), after which this completely nonsensical saying was insidiously implanted into the public consciousness as part of a sinister effort to further the Mason-funded Secret World Order's hard line pro-stone, anti-bird agenda! Open your eyes, proverbial sheep! ʘ