Missed Connection: Dunkin Donuts, Late Last Tuesday
You: on the floor, hands behind your head, sobbing quietly while whispering “please don't kill me,” shoulder-length blonde hair.
Me: black ski mask, modified AK-47, screaming at the manager to “open the fuckingfucking
safe before I blow your fuckingfucking
head off,” possibly falling in love.
Maybe I'm getting a little ahead of myself, but I can already tell this whole ordeal was so
us. And things were certainly hectic, but as I was running out the door with my paper bag full of about eighty bucks, I glanced back over my shoulder and I swear, for just a split second, our eyes locked. Is it just me, or did we share a moment before the police tased me two dozen times? Either way, I can say this
much for sure: if I had it to do over again, I definitely would've taken you hostage instead of that whiny ten-year-old in the Pikachu shirt that kept pissingpissing
himself, but c'est la vie. I'm only allowed one phone call, and I'm saving it for you
—so I hope to hear back soon! ⊫
“The word eggnog is a portmanteau combining egg, from the Latin egguals, which roughly translates to ‘spiced amniotic drippings,’ and nog, a Greek phrase meaning ‘just nutmeg.’ The first eggnog is believed to have been brewed in 1765, by Native Americans of the Delaware Nation, and was likely offered as a gift to visiting Europeans, hence the inordinate quantity of horse semensemen found in recipes dating from the late eighteenth century. The new beverage was an instant hit among the marauding interlopers, who simply couldn't get enough of the concoction's gummy white sumptuousness, owing, again, to the simply incredible quantities of horse semen.semen. Eggnog's renown soon spread through the colonies like chlamydia through the colonies, originally under the decidedly politically-incorrect moniker ‘Injun Juice,’ and later as the less culturally insensitive ‘Yum-Yum Eggy Weggy.’ It wasn't until the drink made its way down to the dark, murky void of the underworld—and into the bone hands of various ghouls and assorted ‘spookums’—that it was finally rebranded as eggnog. Over the subsequent hundred years or so, eggnog continued to steadily increase in popularity, and, in fact, recently became recognized as the third most popular libation among all ghosts and phantoms surveyed, surpassed only by Seagram®'s Ginger Ale and Schlitz® malt liquor.”
—from “Drink of the Dead: A Comprehensive History of Ghosts and Also Eggnog” ⊫
THREE MORE ESSENTIAL MENU ITEMS FOR EVERY MICHELIN-STAR TRUCK STOP
• Soup & Sandwich:
Your choice of freshly-opened soups, alongside a half-portion of the famous kosher BLT (boasting all the excitement of L and T, without the sacrilege of B), and served with a heaping helping of pepperoni salad, or a thick slab of country ham
• BBQ Birthday Cake Soufflé:
Hand-formed birthday cake loaf, braised in world famous “Wichita Style” barbecuing water, and then burnt to completion
• A 24-Step Industrial Diesel Servicing:
A 24-step industrial diesel servicing ✣
MAGAZINE PITCH MEETING
• 357 Great New Ways!
• A Healthier You Is Just Seventeen Steps, Twenty-Two Hours A Day & Fifteen Or Sixteen Years Away!
• Planet Earth: The Most Important Place In The World? We Find Out! ✣
MAGAZINE PITCH MEETING
→ It's A (Bad) Boy! Meet Hip-Hop's Newest 8-Week-Old Beatboxer: MC Bibble Babblez!
→ Disney On Ice Debuts Shrill! The Musical—And We Have The Only Review You'll Ever Find Anywhere Ever!
→ Still With The Vampires! Vampires! Vampires! ✣
IN THE NEWS
Maker Of Always® Brand Maxi Pads Looks To Broaden Customer Base, Woos Male Shoppers With New ‘Ultra-Absorbent Disposable Wallets’
→ Winged Billfolds Available In Variety Of Sizes And Fragrances, Also Great For Sopping Up Gruesome Crime Scenes And Minor Bolognese Mishaps ✣
EXCLUSIVE PARTNER MESSAGE
The Spank Bank is excited to announce its grand reopening tomorrow! And we'd also like to take this opportunity to apologize for any confusion we may have caused our many rock-hardrock-hard attendees during last week's soft opening. However, while Reginald T. Spank, III, founder and CEO of The Spank Bank, does acknowledge that some customers were bewildered and/or frustrated by the marked lack of available laplap dances,dances, he'd like to point out that many more walked away impressed by the low introductory APRs offered on most loans, and unusually fruitful APYs to be realized on deposits and selected investments. That said, we realize much of the fracas could probably have been avoided, had not all of our new tellers been previously employed as dancers and toplesstopless cocktail waitresses at The Velveteen Banana, a seedy gentleman's club that operated out of the same location as recently as twelve days ago. ⋈
Asking For A Friend…
So I have this friend, who's this guy I know, and he really wants/needs to know if it's weirder for someone named Brettley T. to wanna have sexsex with a living woman who really seems pretty dead, or with an unambiguously dead woman who could probably pass for living in a pinch. Again, I'm totally asking this for a friend I know, this one guy. Drop me a line for him, and I'll pass it along. I'm up at the city morgue right now like every Monday.
Brettley T. ⋈
Last Will & Testament
When I die, I simply ask that my body be donated to a disreputable tannery, so that I may live on as the single most unsettling leather-bound copy of “Yertle the Turtle” ever produced. ✣