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a.m. rapturing

“E. recyculus recyculus, et r. cyculus recyculus.”
“From many small bicycles, one bicycle airship.”

vol. DLXXXIII       no. 212,827
Sun., Sep. 8, 1985

JUMPING THROUGH HOOPS DU JOUR: The Maddening, Mouthwatering Modern World In Simple-To-Follow Recipes!

This week: Classic Homemade Success or Disaster (yields one or the other; may cause severe stomach knots, and, in rare cases, complimentary garlic knots)


— 1,000 to 2,000 existential anxiety-induced sleepless nights
— 2½ decades of self doubt (double for each additional decade of life, until dead)
— 3 to 5 daily pinches of polite conversation to distract from crippling inner turmoil
— long stretches of unrequested celibacy (to taste)
— 3 to 4 days unpaid labor per week


Combine ingredients in large, cosmopolitan melting pot, stirring lightly. Some ingredients may be more attractive and successful than you at first blush, but will eventually burn out. If desired, strangle them with cheesecloth and bash/whisk them stiffly against a granite backsplash, feeling momentarily bad about it. Repeat until thick skin forms. Bake briefly in shallow pride, swallow hard, and be disgusted—no one ever said it would taste good.
Before They Were Dead: Marie Curie

Did you know that pioneering physicist Marie Curie…

→ Shared the 1903 Nobel Prize in Physics with husband Pierre and shared her spearmint gum with the rest of the class because she actually brought enough for everyone?
→ Coined the term “radioactive,” and absolutely destroyed wiry oil tycoon J. D. Rockefeller in three rounds of underground hobo rules kickboxing to fund her groundbreaking research?
→ Played shortstop—not first base, as is often rumored—on Sorbonne's legendary faculty softball team, the Radium Sox?

…and she managed to do all this and more before she was dead!

NEXT TIME: We fondly remember 3-time all-Croat welterweight champion sheep-shearer, Nikola “The Oscillator” Tesla!
Before They Were Dead: Leonardo da Vinci

Did you know that honest to god Renaissance man Leonardo da Vinci…

→ Was the first non-mafia affiliated Italian to use “mozzarell” in place of “mozzarella” outside of suburban New Jersey?
→ Dissected many dead bodies for his anatomical studies and heroically slayed many undead bodies by dark of night using not but the sharpened end of a jailhouse paintbrush?
→ Doodled the concept art for “The Last Supper” on a napkin using only red wine, a toothpick, and a slew of state of the art lithograph machines?

…and he managed to do all this and more before he was dead!

NEXT TIME: We offer a salute to the zany short films of Thomas “The Next Spielberg” Jefferson!
Side Effects:

impotence, incontinence, potence, sterility, third-eye blindness, hearing gain, eczema, gingivitis, malaria, road rage against the machine, diabetes, hypertension, Kleenex® where biological tissue should be, demonic possession, memory loss, feline leukemia, ice-cold diarrhea, measles, sore throat, the plague, runny nose, less kidneys, dry mouth, parking tickets, paranoia, pneumonia, nacho flavoring, pregnancy, migraines, Super Bowl Shuffle, mad cow disease, scabs, nausea, Beatlemania, stroke, body odor, voodoo curse, polio, soil erosion, surplus armpits, constipation, mood swings, mudslides, eyelash cancer, tapeworm, gallbladder envy, sprained cankles, hairy stool, tuberculosis, fat ears, radioactive foot, weight loss, weight gain, weight steadiness, rug burn, sunburn, heartburn, vertigo, dyslexia, nostrils, lupus, jock itch, alimony, gout, acne, rectal stickiness, honey roasted peanut allergy, hangnail, menopause, athlete's neck, late fees, sweaty DNA, mundane time travel, crotch rot, fever, fervor, huge pox, unibrow, paralysis, camel toe, anemia, Shaq Attack, tetanus, frostbite, poison ivy, bloating, free wifi, tennis elbow, anti-lock brakes, paper cuts, poverty, sweet tooth, stiff nick, sweatpants, reincarnation, pinkeye, blood clots, fleeting Irish accent, and severe happiness.

Next time: the extremely common medication and/or food that will cause them all.
Some people like to listen to the radio, but I rarely if ever take an electrical appliance's advice at face value.  Φ
Movie Idea

A reboot of Children of the Corn, but with a greater focus on the corn, and its effects on the planet in an ecological context.
taftFryerside Chats: The Taft Diaries
The Presidentialiest Thinks Ever Wrote
selected excerpts from the 4th Syphilitic Nonsense Era

“I'm beginning to believe that time is but a mere construct of our fevered, desperate, caramelized minds—an idea that has unexpectedly been met with an absurd level of congressional consternation and time-bendingly quippy back-sass. But to all dem salty-asssalty-ass nonbelievers out there, I must, must, must soon muster the courage of your run-of-the-mill, generic time traveler to say: shut your butts.butts. Shut ’em. I'm the President, and my calendar is do whatever I says it to do, as it was a promotional item intended to supplement the public's knowledge of The Burger King's expansive selection of salted mouthfills, which simply cannot be sufficiently explored and displayed within the restrictive confines of your standard twelve-month Gregorian date-keeper, in stunning gloss finish! Geez—I really can't believe just how much more smarter I keep always getting!”
I always thought I wanted a house powered by imagination, but I'm really starting to rethink the whole thing. Now every time I want to see what's in the fridge or keep it cold, I have to crawl up under the bulb and have an idea.  Φ
Stamp Collecting Around the Globe

Saudi Post's introduction of the “Important Women in Saudi History” series looked to be an early success—with beautiful examples featuring the likenesses of such luminary Saudi female figures as King Abdullah and Crown Prince Salman bin Abdulaziz—before it was discovered that a large batch of the promising stamps had been sullied by a clever trickster who'd managed to replace several images of the late King Khalid with a 99.85% burka-obscured female form, instigating what soon became known as “exposed cornea-gate ’98.”

Established 1403 A.D.         “The World's First Web Pages” *
© Copyright 1985 RECYCULUS.  ✣   * Printed on 11.1% spider webs.

***  EDITOR'S CANCELLATION NOTE:  ice/winter  ***    
  REPLICATOR:  facsimilize for biblicist satanist 

RECYCULUS, from the lowercase, italicized recyculus, literally translates to “from many small bicycles, one bicycle airship” — most likely a nod to the extremely respectable publication's earliest days, during which it rode, impressively sans-hands, atop a wave of light-to-moderate interest in secondhand mega-bicycles that began all throughout history, and persisted well past the future.

In an age when draconian town ordinances hadn't yet been applied to enormous bicycles, exceedingly burdensome village laws required all huge local bicycles to take up entire city blocks, thereby — or so went the theory — maximizing computing power. Despite these job-killing regulations — and to say nothing of the continuous, violent Mongol conquest of its central sales office — RECYCULUS managed to stand out from the used-gargantuan-bicycle crowd, thanks in part to its line of similarly-titanic bicycles, based on designs the burgeoning daily newsletter distributor endeavored to license, at tremendous expense, from hundreds of competing outfits specializing in subpar jumbo bicycles.

Finally, in the first six or seven minutes of the winter of 1402, lightning struck. Later that day, in a quiet moment following the fires, came a turning point: Whilst hopelessly tending to his many serious burns, founder H. Angus Recyculus (no relation) took it upon himself to seize an opportunity to break into the centuries-shy-of-being-conceived-of collection of world wide webs, refocusing the samely-renamed RECYCULUS's efforts on becoming the world's first * and only ** daily issuer of high-test web*** pages — a distinction it maintains, on both counts, as of about 3 PM eastern, 2 PM central.

In those first few thousand heady days, the simple act of “uplinking” new content to the infant web printing press required tens of thousands of recently-paroled, hastily-minted engineers to tightly roll up each and every lovingly-crafted submission, before squeezing them into their hometown energy concern's expansive network of live, weather-frayed, high-load municipal trunk cable — itself yet to be invented — while taking great pains all over their humanity and skeletons to avoid allowing the sudden plumes of almost-certainly-unrelated person steam to curl and/or smear the delicate, invaluable blurbs, before allowing good old-fashioned American electricity to do what it does best, dozens of decades before those words would have any meaning at all. Back then — just like pretty recently — RECYCULUS engineers could be found electrocuted along our nation's many miles of pristine, white sand interstate highways; a quaint reminder of a time we were still in until, again, pretty recently.

As any latterly hypnotized student of history will be instructed to recall, RECYCULUS's unprecedented 587-year run came to an abrupt end at 11:59 PM, on that fateful night of December 31, 1989, when its headquarters exploded during the Great Headquarters Explodings of ’89, and shortly thereafter gently floated off to that elephantine bicycle reseller in the sky. Forty minutes later — once every piece of cinder had finally been looted, discarded, or eaten — it became abundantly clear to the wandering hordes that these scant 5.8 × 1083 scanned pages were all that remained of the once great whatever it had been. Another forty minutes later — after the cinder poisoning had largely subsided, and acting on behalf of RECYCULUS without the proper authorization — the mesothelioma-fortified de facto chieftains decided to make each and every issue available, free of charge, to the entire remaining world, with only the moderate wish that their publisher's great, indecipherable legacy never be truly forgotten or understood.

All of us here at RECYCULUS — from H. Angus Recyculus XVII, Sr. (no relation), on down to the lowliest Senior Vice President of Worldwide Distribution, each of whom has most definitely not**** gone on to live a life of magnificent luxury within the plush, palatial confines of the literal new head office they collided with the instant they missed the turn for the metaphorical one — sincerely hope you'll find something to enjoy in each of these 5.8 million million nonillion tredecillion modest, extremely amazing, humble, profoundly transcendent, ordinary pages of woven web. (Maybe over a long***** weekend, or something.) And we say that not merely for the sake of the families of the millions who have died meaningless, excruciating deaths to bring you these bland yet succulent texts — but also for the many, many, many millions more who have survived; bedridden by intractable full-body hair pain and roving blood spasms, having long ago been rendered physically incapable of instigating death's sweet release.

This one's for the fans.

* presumably, based on fonts
** based on searches conducted in 1997, while the modems were in the shop — individual results may vary, if they so choose
*** prior to that point, most of the world's pages were spun from leftover cocoon fuzz
**** based on the most up-to-date lies available at the time of the lying
***** likely one of the longest on record, because even if you're a quick reader and were able to enjoy one issue per minute, it'd still take you 1.1 quinvigintillion years — or around 79.8 million billion trillion quadrillion septillion times longer than the universe has even existed — to enjoy them all (or you could just print them for later, in which case maybe ask about the bulk rate on ink, because the sheets of paper required to do so would stretch 205.9 unvigintillion light years across the cosmos, or — were the universe a sphere — roughly 13.9 trillion quadrillion quintillion septillion googol trips around it)


ߜ  Brian Adams

ʘ  Drew Adamski

ȸ  Justin Barricks

  Jack Oolders

Φ  Dave Prague

  Zack Zagranis

  Steve Brunton
  at-large contributor

ȼ  Aaron Casey
  at-large contributor

Δ  Dena Darvish

  at-large contributor

Ϟ  Allan Heifetz
  at-large contributor

϶  Lisa Hytner
  at-large contributor


  Matt Payne
  editor immortalis


email    to contribute