In Loving Memory
To my darling mother, who sadly passed last week of hypothermia, right outside my apartment door, in the middle of telling what was sure to be a really good “knock, knock” joke.
“Please, I can't feel my fingers.”
“Please, I can't feel my fingers, who?”
I miss her so much, and I really just wish I had gotten to hear the punchline. ⋈
My boss at work is a real jerk. He's always licking his chops and talking about what big breastsbreasts I have, and how I “look good enough to eat.” And it's not just me, either. He calls all of us ladies “my little chicks,” and then he brags to anyone who'll listen about how we're “all natural, baby.” He's so gross. It's just, I mean—what the cluck? You know? Is there anything me and the other chickens around the coop can do?
— Harassed On The Farm
Dear Harassed On The Farm,
If Old McDonald has a farm and doesn't seem to know that “no” means “e-i, e-i, no,” you and the other hens should definitely look into filing a complaint with human resources. Then again, they probably can't do much to help y'all, and there's a better than 50-50 chance they'll try to marinate you within the first few packets of the paperwork. Wow, this is a tough one (though the marination would admittedly make it a little less so). I dunno—maybe poop in your cages a little more? It's a bit passive-aggressive, sure, but it might be all you can really do right now. Just try to be strong, sister. Keep on cluckin', and godspeed. Oh, and apropos of nothing, you gals don't happen to be free-range, do you?
— Ethelberga ⋈
Local man, Robert Boubleux, is enjoying his robust, consensual sexsex life with Betsy Boubleux-Robinson, his wife of eight years. Robert reports that everything is going just fine, and there's no reason to think that the marriage is a “desolate, sexlesssexless wasteland,” as was previously reported. ⋈
I'm part of a close-knit group of friends from college who, lately, seem to be avoiding me for some reason. I mean, I guess I'm the only one of us not married yet—and most of them do have kids, now—but I just don't get it. Take last week: we were all hanging out (this was right after I came back from a lengthy trip to Africa with the “Kisses For Ebola” project), and my so-called “friends” were physically distancing themselves from me, and saying really hurtful things like “holy shit,shit, you're fuckingfucking bleeding from your eyes!” and “good god, please stop giving us Ebola!” I wish we could all hang out together and not have our skin sluice right off in the shower, like the good old days, but it seems that we've grown—and in some cases quite literally fallen—apart these past few days. Is there anything I can do? What's the antidote?
— Feeling Avoided
Dear Feeling Avoided,
It's very common for people with young families to be jealous of their single friends. Your old college buddies probably just wish they had your freedom, and I'm sure they'd love to be able to jet off to Africa, too—but don't give up on them just yet! Remember: they're still adjusting to the realities of their new “grown-up” lives, and, assuming you all survive through the next 48 to 72 hours, I'm sure you still have several wonderful weeks of friendship left to look forward to!
— Ethelberga ⋈
LOST & FOUND
Found under the green bench in the northeast corner of Veterans Park: one expired can of Coca-Cola Lime, half-filled with what tasted to me like a roughly 3-to-1 ratio of rainwater runoff to Coca-Cola Lime. If you're still pretty thirsty, please contact Gregory at the lost & found hotline's Coca-Cola Lime desk at your earliest convenience. ⋈
IMPORTANT BOO USUK UPDATE
Local star athlete, Boo Usuk, has officially committed to playing football for the University of Michigan next fall. This is notable because—even though Boo has led Plaintown High to state titles in football, basketball, baseball, and facial symmetry every year for the past four—he's never been fully embraced by his hometown's fans. To wit: even as he was busy shattering the local record for record-breaking, by simultaneously holding twenty-one individual school records, his friends and family alike taunted him loudly and in perfect unison. Hopefully, the students at Michigan—whose impressive stadium seats nearly 110,000 generally only metaphorically rabid fans—will show a little more love and support for Boo by loudly chanting his name. Good luck, Boo Usuk! Your mom and dad, well—they seem to like you like a son. ⋈
Are you looking to get your message out to tens of thousands of people in the greater tri-city area? Give “My Lying Ex-Wife Skywriting, LLC” a try, and you won't be that disappointed, because it turns out I actually can finish what I start! Whether you want to spell out your successful skywriting company's name at a local tri-city area sporting event because it turns out you are the type to hold grudges, tell gridlocked commuters just what a malevolently duplicitous she-beast your ex-wife truly is, congratulate your child on their recent college graduation you weren't invited to attend, kamikaze bomb the den of sin at 874 East Billings Drive, tell everyone at the beach about how your ex-wife stabbed you in the back so hard she broke the handle, or advertise, “My Lying Ex-Wife Skywriting, LLC” is the very best matrimonial bitterness-based aerial advertising outfit this side of the quad-city area! Give us a call today and ask for me, because I'm not only the night manager, I'm also one of the receptionists! You hear that, Debbie? I'd like to see that pothead loser Ed work at his own skywriting LLC. Cheers from “Angry” Steve Reynolds! I'm doing great! ⋈
A renowned statistician has noted a statistically significant decline in oraloral sexsex with his long-term girlfriend since replacing his genitalsgenitals with a commercial-grade turnstile and state-of-the-art digital counter system. ⋈
This Week on the Fundamentalist Gourmet, Reverend “Brimstone Bob” Robert will show you how to…
→ wash and prepare a cucumber without having impure thoughts about it, or about zucchini, or about Satan's gourd itself, the summer squash
→ exorcise the blandness and evil out of deviled eggs (hint: a sprinkle of cayenne or real Hungarian smoked paprika and 246,000 Hail Marys will go a long way)
→ take the sin and cheesecake out of sinfully good cheesecake ⋈