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THE ALLAN HEIFETZ EDITION

Today:
38° / 28°
afternoon rapture


Tomorrow:
47° / 29°
rapture likely


Saturday:
52° / 28°
heavy rapture


Sunday:
36° / 13°
near-record rapturing


Monday:
49° / 25°
a.m. rapturing


“E. recyculus recyculus, et r. cyculus recyculus.”
“From many small bicycles, one bicycle airship.”




vol. CCCXXXI       no. 120,842
Thu., Nov. 5, 1733


BREAKING NEWS

LOCAL TEEN LOCKS SELF IN TRUNK OF FATHER'S CAR


Curious Youngster Claims To Have Gotten Drunk, Seriously Swears To God He Was Totally Ripped


NEWTONVILLE, MASS.—15-year-old Danny Rosen found himself in a very dark place this past Monday night: the trunk of his father's car. “I don't know what I was thinking,” the solid D-student explained. “I guess I just wanted to see what it felt like to be locked in a car trunk, and I was definitely, totally drunk. Off of alcohol.” Rosen's father, local electrician Herman Felstrop, was none too pleased with his son's experimentation, however, having received a 3 A.M. wake-up call from young Rosen's giggling, purportedly inebriated friends. “I know teenagers are already idiots—but this incident really makes you stop and wonder if there was ever a time these three weren't dropped on their heads as children,” Felstrop lamented. The night in question began innocently enough, said Rosen. “Well, my homies and me were hanging out behind the old abandoned farmhouse, so of course I got in my trunk and had my boys shut it, ’cause I was seriously drunk from all the beer drinks.” But as panic began to set in, explained friend and eyewitness, Billy Goldfarb, “[Rosen] was like, ‘Oh, no! I'm gonna die in here, guys! I need air!’ It was hilarious, because we were all drunk from alcohol. We couldn't stop laughing from the alcohol drunkness.” “Yeah, I freaked a little,” Rosen admits. “At first just ’cause I thought I would suffocate, because I assumed my dad's 1703 Corolla's trunk came factory-equipped with some airtight-type trunk technologies. But then I found a Cadbury egg in my pocket and enjoyed a snack, so all in all, kind of a win.” Having lost all driving privileges for the next six months, Rosen offered some sober, solemn advice to anyone thinking about taking a little trip in a trunk while they're definitely alcoholically intoxicated: “Don't.” He added, “It might seem like a lot of fun, but the reality is that it's just dark and musty in there—the benefits, while myriad, simply aren't worth the consequences.”
  Ϟ
LOST TREASURE!

Chip Reynolds, owner of Chip's Shovel & Metal Detector Emporium, has forgotten where in your town he buried his enormously valuable collection of coins and bottle caps.
  
I have no problem buying a bit of special shampoo to stop the spread of the taxidermied doves I caught from the moldy old magician's blazer I found in a shed I didn't know I owned, but trying to upsell me to an entire drum of liniment for the wand rot? Well you know of course I'll take three—but that's where I draw the line, Mr. Weird Dockside Grifter Guy.  
Paid Placement

Are you exhausted from all that goddamngoddamn yard work? Would you like to reclaim some of your precious personal time next weekend? If you answered “yeah, probably” to all these questions and more, it's high time you got yourself a YaardvarkTM! The YaardvarkTM may look like a regular old juvenile aardvark from the lowland jungles of the former Belgian Congo—but our élite group of YaardvarkTM aardvarks have been specially trained since birth to provide proven solutions to all of your important suburban landscaping needs. Hedge trimming, general lawn care, beetle gobbling—the YaardvarkTM will handle it all with patented aarvark aplomb. So what're you waiting for? Go out and get yourself a YaardvarkTM today!

DISCLAIMER: The YaardvarkTM may require food from time to time, as it is, once again, technically a real, living aardvark. Additionally, due to the YaardvarkTM's deep-seated training, it may occasionally manicure your neighbor's lawn or children without provocation.
  ߜ
Dad Joke of the Day

“If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable? Thank you, thank you, you're too kind. I'll be here all childhood. Or at least until they inevitably terminate my custody rights.”
  ȸ
Patent Pending #2,223,730

“a magazine, but with quills”

Key Features:

• standard, industry-grade binding
• up to 250 semigloss pages, sequentially numbered
• high-gloss cover with dedicated photograph space
• hard-hitting, in-depth world news items and/or meaningless, colorful fluff pieces
• a bunch of needle-sharp quills plucked from some weak-assweak-ass baby porcupine  

What's On The Coal-Fired Amusement Apparatus Tonight?


ABC


10:00 — According To Jay Leno (repeat): Jay Leno can't believe his ears; Jay Leno chips his chin on an ice cream scoop

10:30 — Modern Jay Leno (repeat): Cam and Mitch redecorate Jay Leno's neck pouch; Haley's new boyfriend causes a stir with Jay Leno

11:00 — Jimmy Kimmel Live! with Jay Leno (new): celebrity interview, Jay Leno, musical guest, celebrity interview, musical Jay Leno
  
Sure, we've all had some that was passable—maybe even more than a little above average—but do you know anyone who's ever had truly great googly moogly?  
Practical Remedies, Or How To Live Your Life According To An Olde-Timey Cookbook, Part XIV

→ Rise early, retire early, and keep your head clear by paying heed to all the laws of health. Also leeches, because you have too much blood.
 
→ Take no stimulants, save the harmless ones of tea and coffee, and these not in excess, nor otherwise than at mealtime. Also, cocaine.cocaine. Piles and piles of cocaine.cocaine. You holding?
 
→ For cramps of the leg, simply stretch the heel as far as possible, at the same time drawing the toes up. Also, take pains to maintain a healthy calcium, magnesium, and potassium deficiency.
 
→ Two hours is long enough to serve any dinner that Christians ought to eat, and three hours and one half is far too long. Also, long dinner boredom-induced footsiefootsie can lead to serious venerealvenereal disorders, including acute aroused penis.penis.
 
→ Ladies should draw their skirts into a space that will not crowd their neighbors at the dining table. Also, why are the wenches dining indoors at the men's table in the first place? I know for a fact that their barnyard slop-trough doth overfloweth, because it's 1733.
  ȸ


Established 1403 A.D.         “The World's First Web Pages” *
© CopyeRight 1733 RECYCULUS.  ✣   * Printed on 49.6% spider webs.


***  EDITOR'S PLAGUE NOTE:  noticeably bubonic  ***    
      INTERN, BE MINDFUL:  intended reader is angelic demonic     


recycle this issue                  keep this issue                 what's recyculus?                who's recyculus? 
RECYCULUS, from the lowercase, italicized recyculus, literally translates to “from many small bicycles, one bicycle airship” — most likely a nod to the extremely respectable publication's earliest days, during which it rode, impressively sans-hands, atop a wave of light-to-moderate interest in secondhand mega-bicycles that began all throughout history, and persisted well past the future.

In an age when draconian town ordinances hadn't yet been applied to enormous bicycles, exceedingly burdensome village laws required all huge local bicycles to take up entire city blocks, thereby — or so went the theory — maximizing computing power. Despite these job-killing regulations — and to say nothing of the continuous, violent Mongol conquest of its central sales office — RECYCULUS managed to stand out from the used-gargantuan-bicycle crowd, thanks in part to its line of similarly-titanic bicycles, based on designs the burgeoning daily newsletter distributor endeavored to license, at tremendous expense, from hundreds of competing outfits specializing in subpar jumbo bicycles.

Finally, in the first six or seven minutes of the winter of 1402, lightning struck. Later that day, in a quiet moment following the fires, came a turning point: Whilst hopelessly tending to his many serious burns, founder H. Angus Recyculus (no relation) took it upon himself to seize an opportunity to break into the centuries-shy-of-being-conceived-of collection of world wide webs, refocusing the samely-renamed RECYCULUS's efforts on becoming the world's first * and only ** daily issuer of high-test web*** pages — a distinction it maintains, on both counts, as of about 3 PM eastern, 2 PM central.

In those first few thousand heady days, the simple act of “uplinking” new content to the infant web printing press required tens of thousands of recently-paroled, hastily-minted engineers to tightly roll up each and every lovingly-crafted submission, before squeezing them into their hometown energy concern's expansive network of live, weather-frayed, high-load municipal trunk cable — itself yet to be invented — while taking great pains all over their humanity and skeletons to avoid allowing the sudden plumes of almost-certainly-unrelated person steam to curl and/or smear the delicate, invaluable blurbs, before allowing good old-fashioned American electricity to do what it does best, dozens of decades before those words would have any meaning at all. Back then — just like pretty recently — RECYCULUS engineers could be found electrocuted along our nation's many miles of pristine, white sand interstate highways; a quaint reminder of a time we were still in until, again, pretty recently.

As any latterly hypnotized student of history will be instructed to recall, RECYCULUS's unprecedented 587-year run came to an abrupt end at 11:59 PM, on that fateful night of December 31, 1989, when its headquarters exploded during the Great Headquarters Explodings of ’89, and shortly thereafter gently floated off to that elephantine bicycle reseller in the sky. Forty minutes later — once every piece of cinder had finally been looted, discarded, or eaten — it became abundantly clear to the wandering hordes that these scant 5.8 × 1083 scanned pages were all that remained of the once great whatever it had been. Another forty minutes later — after the cinder poisoning had largely subsided, and acting on behalf of RECYCULUS without the proper authorization — the mesothelioma-fortified de facto chieftains decided to make each and every issue available, free of charge, to the entire remaining world, with only the moderate wish that their publisher's great, indecipherable legacy never be truly forgotten or understood.

All of us here at RECYCULUS — from H. Angus Recyculus XVII, Sr. (no relation), on down to the lowliest Senior Vice President of Worldwide Distribution, each of whom has most definitely not**** gone on to live a life of magnificent luxury within the plush, palatial confines of the literal new head office they collided with the instant they missed the turn for the metaphorical one — sincerely hope you'll find something to enjoy in each of these 5.8 trillion nonillion tredecillion modest, extremely amazing, humble, profoundly transcendent, ordinary pages of woven web. (Maybe over a long***** weekend, or something.) And we say that not merely for the sake of the families of the millions who have died meaningless, excruciating deaths to bring you these bland yet succulent texts — but also for the many, many, many millions more who have survived; bedridden by intractable full-body hair pain and roving blood spasms, having long ago been rendered physically incapable of instigating death's sweet release.

This one's for the fans.


* presumably, based on fonts
** based on searches conducted in 1997, while the modems were in the shop — individual results may vary, if they so choose
*** prior to that point, most of the world's pages were spun from leftover cocoon fuzz
**** based on the most up-to-date lies available at the time of the lying
***** likely one of the longest on record, because even if you're a quick reader and were able to enjoy one issue per minute, it'd still take you 1.1 quinvigintillion years — or around 79.8 million billion trillion quadrillion septillion times longer than the universe has even existed — to enjoy them all (or you could just print them for later, in which case maybe ask about the bulk rate on ink, because the sheets of paper required to do so would stretch 205.9 unvigintillion light years across the cosmos, or — were the universe a sphere — roughly 13.9 trillion quadrillion quintillion septillion googol trips around it)
RECYCULUS  is:

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ߜ  Brian Adams
  contributor

ʘ  Drew Adamski
  contributor

ȸ  Justin Barricks
  contributor

  Jack Oolders
  contributor

Φ  Dave Prague
  contributor

  Zack Zagranis
  contributor

  Steve Brunton
  at-large contributor

ȼ  Aaron Casey
  at-large contributor

Δ  Dena Darvish
   Derakhshan

  at-large contributor

Ϟ  Allan Heifetz
  at-large contributor

϶  Lisa Hytner
  at-large contributor

&

  Matt Payne
  editor immortalis

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

email    to contribute