LOCAL TEEN LOCKS SELF IN TRUNK OF FATHER'S CAR
Curious Youngster Claims To Have Gotten Drunk, Seriously Swears To God He Was Totally Ripped
NEWTONVILLE, MASS.—15-year-old Danny Rosen found himself in a very dark place this past Monday night: the trunk of his father's car. “I don't know what I was thinking,” the solid D-student explained. “I guess I just wanted to see what it felt like to be locked in a car trunk, and I was definitely, totally drunk. Off of alcohol.” Rosen's father, local electrician Herman Felstrop, was none too pleased with his son's experimentation, however, having received a 3 A.M. wake-up call from young Rosen's giggling, purportedly inebriated friends. “I know teenagers are already idiots—but this incident really makes you stop and wonder if there was ever a time these three weren't
dropped on their heads as children,” Felstrop lamented. The night in question began innocently enough, said Rosen. “Well, my homies and me were hanging out behind the old abandoned farmhouse, so of course I got in my trunk and had my boys shut it, ’cause I was seriously drunk from all the beer drinks.” But as panic began to set in, explained friend and eyewitness, Billy Goldfarb, “[Rosen] was like, ‘Oh, no! I'm gonna die in here, guys! I need air!’ It was hilarious, because we were all drunk from alcohol. We couldn't stop laughing from the alcohol drunkness.” “Yeah, I freaked a little,” Rosen admits. “At first just ’cause I thought I would suffocate, because I assumed my dad's 1703 Corolla's trunk came factory-equipped with some airtight-type trunk technologies. But then I found a Cadbury egg in my pocket and enjoyed a snack, so all in all, kind of a win.” Having lost all driving privileges for the next six months, Rosen offered some sober, solemn advice to anyone thinking about taking a little trip in a trunk while they're definitely alcoholically intoxicated: “Don't.” He added, “It might seem like a lot of fun, but the reality is that it's just dark and musty in there—the benefits, while myriad, simply aren't worth the consequences.” Ϟ
Chip Reynolds, owner of Chip's Shovel & Metal Detector Emporium, has forgotten where in your town he buried his enormously valuable collection of coins and bottle caps. ⋈
I have no problem buying a bit of special shampoo to stop the spread of the taxidermied doves I caught from the moldy old magician's blazer I found in a shed I didn't know I owned, but trying to upsell me to an entire drum of liniment for the wand rot? Well you know of course I'll take three—but that's where I draw the line, Mr. Weird Dockside Grifter Guy. ✣
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Dad Joke of the Day
“If you lose your hearing, is it ear
replaceable? Thank you, thank you, you're too kind. I'll be here all childhood. Or at least until they inevitably terminate my custody rights.” ȸ
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What's On The Coal-Fired Amusement Apparatus Tonight?
10:00 — According To Jay Leno
(repeat): Jay Leno can't believe his ears; Jay Leno chips his chin on an ice cream scoop10:30 — Modern Jay Leno
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Practical Remedies, Or How To Live Your Life According To An Olde-Timey Cookbook, Part XIV
→ Rise early, retire early, and keep your head clear by paying heed to all the laws of health. Also leeches, because you have too much blood.
→ Take no stimulants, save the harmless ones of tea and coffee, and these not in excess, nor otherwise than at mealtime. Also, cocaine.cocaine.
Piles and piles of cocaine.cocaine.
→ For cramps of the leg, simply stretch the heel as far as possible, at the same time drawing the toes up. Also, take pains to maintain a healthy calcium, magnesium, and potassium deficiency.
→ Two hours is long enough to serve any dinner that Christians ought to eat, and three hours and one half is far too long. Also, long dinner boredom-induced footsiefootsie
can lead to serious venerealvenereal
disorders, including acute aroused penis.penis.
→ Ladies should draw their skirts into a space that will not crowd their neighbors at the dining table. Also, why are the wenches dining indoors at the men's table in the first place? I know for a fact that their barnyard slop-trough doth overfloweth, because it's 1733. ȸ