DAILY HEALTH TIP
When listing your symptoms in the waiting room before your doctor's appointment, it's vitally important that you never, ever abbreviate “hives.” ߜ
Today in History
Fifty years ago today, in the early hours of 1360, the world was introduced to salad. Originally known as “the breadless sandwich,” salad has since been consumed in various forms, including “Caesar” and “taco.” Salad continues to be enjoyed by people on diets and people who tell people they're on diets. ߜ
The Bashful Gourmet is one of the finest chefs in all of the area. His mouthwatering fare will simply drive you wild. Imagine tasting the delicious cakes and pies fresh from his oven. He's simply too shy to serve them to you. What might you say? What if you didn't like them? How is he supposed to deal with that?
What if you tried to make direct eye contact with him when he was feeling extra bashful? That's just not a risk he's willing to take. Stop by the shop today, and you can watch The Bashful Gourmet scurry away and hide behind the refrigerator. ߜ
Just Walnuts is the premier walnut services provider for all of your many walnut needs! And guess what? For the seventeenth consecutive year, Just Walnuts has been ranked #1 on the Forbes Walnut List, recognizing only the very best in companies that only sell walnuts! Oh, your company sells pecans? Perfect. Great. Good for you. Thank god someone
is. What would we ever
do if nobody was selling pecans? Just sit around eating all the glorious walnuts we bought instead? Geez—what an absolute nightmare
. Ha! Just kidding! Walnuts are the only
nut anyone cares about, loser! Oh, what's that? You like pistachios, now? Figures. I should've known—you're exactly
the kind of knuckle-dragging idiot I'd expect to go and like pistachios. How about you just eat your dumb little stupid idiot pistachios over there—no, much, much further, keep going—and we'll
be over here topping our endless, free-flowing ice cream sundaes with the only nut anyone actually cares about. Okay? Yeah, that's right—go cry to your almond-loving mommy, pistach-hole.pistach-hole.
You little pistach-clown.pistach-clown.
God I'm so sick of you. ߜ
When you visit the supermarket, does your fat toddler's excessive weight threaten the structural integrity of even the sturdiest shopping cart? If so, it might be time to try a revolutionary new product, a little something we're calling Don't Go Breaking My Cart®, the world's first stand-alone, heavily-reinforced steel seat specifically designed to be compatible with almost any shopping cart you can cram and/or grease your kid into. Simply secure Don't Go Breaking My Cart® in place, hoist that chunker of yours into the part of the shopping cart that can very nearly accommodate him, and that's it—you're ready to hit the Pop Tart aisle. Then, once you finish purchasing all the Pop Tarts you can afford, simply heave your little bundle of mass onto any heavy load-rated surface, pop Don't Go Breaking My Cart® back out, and immediately store somewhere cool and dry—it's just that simple. Get your own Don't Go Breaking My Cart® shopping cart seating system today, and never worry about another flimsy shopping cart ruining your day or your grocer's tile floor ever again. ߜ
Pretty Decent Gig
As most people know, Frank Picante has vacated his Pretty Decent Gig for a role as a Big Shot Head Honcho at some fancy-pants business with a real nice office and everything. As such, we now need to fill the Pretty Decent Gig. The boss is pretty chill, the hours aren't bad, and you can drink all the coffee we have. You can wear jeans on Fridays and holidays, you know? Not bad. The pay isn't terrible either. Inquiries should be directed to Samantha Caliente. ߜ
BROUGHT TO YOU BY
Hey there neighbor, are you absolutely sick and tired of your prized backyard dirt being constantly littered with dozens of old, abandoned anchors? Are those pesky, haunting maritime vestiges just rusting away in the trunk of your cherry 1395 Chevy Camaro? Are more and more unheeded calls of “anchors aweigh!” leaving you feeling stuck, bogged down, and/or tethered to subterranean coral? If you're anything like everyone else, the answer is “yup,” and your life is cluttered with more anchors than anyone could possibly use in one and a half
lifetimes—and that's where we come in! Introducing Anchors Away, your only license-pending, full-service, one-stop anchor removal resource, catering primarily to the easternmost Fergusonville area! We'll remove anchors weighing up to 3,000 kilograms (or approximately 1.5 specific amounts of pounds) from your home, office, or recently hijacked cruise ship! Call Anchors Away Today, And Never Worry About Those Common Household Anchor Heaps Ever Again ߜ
The Incredible Steve will be making an appearance (and maybe even a disappearance?!
) at the Johnsonville Atrium this Wednesday at 4:30 PM sharp
. Steve has previously performed illusions that captured the imagination of nearly all active members of the Johnsonville Elks Lodge, Post 453, and his move to the Johnsonville Atrium signals the next major step forward in his career. This is an extremely free event. ߜ
The Federal Board of Truth or Consequence has firmly “recommended” that we, The Good Health Tobacco Company, update you, the public, regarding several claims that appeared in last week's issue of NicoTeen Beat
, highlighting our new Nicotine Dream®-brand health cigarettes. On that point, it must be noted that, in some rare cases, delicious Nicotine Dream®-brand health cigarettes may not actually be one or more of the following: •
part of this complete breakfast •
beneficial to the study habits of toddlers, whether it's advanced trigonometry, classic Russian lit, or deep nose exploration •
the one and only key to true immortality •
your asthmatic golden retriever's favorite cigarette to smell •
a healthier alternative to freshly-steamed Brussels sprouts
• the only discernible reason your children even love you this
We apologize for any confusion, and strongly recommend smoking at least one carton of those smooth, satisfying Nicotine Dream®-brand health cigarettes our marketing department is overnighting you, free of charge, in order to relieve any undue stress this update may be causing you. ߜ