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THE DENA DARVISH DERAKHSHAN EDITION

Today:
67° / 52°
bats expected


Tomorrow:
52° / 41°
occasional light bats


Thursday:
60° / 45°
few bats


Friday:
57° / 33°
few bats


Saturday:
60° / 45°
bats late


“E. recyculus recyculus, et r. cyculus recyculus.”
“From many small bicycles, one bicycle airship.”




vol. LXVIII       no. 24,763
Tue., Oct. 18, 1470


FROM: RECYCULUS
SUBJECT: Do not open—could be annoying!

ATTENTION RECYCULUS READERS: There is a new RECYCULUS virus going around. Please watch out for the issue's subject line, which may read “Do not open—could be annoying!” If you've already read the issue, don't have done that. But if you cannot not have done that, fret not, because we have several easy steps you can take to protect yourself and combat the RECYCULUS virus currently attacking your Sanyo electronic personal organizer. First, do not read the issue (this one). Second, don't even think about it. Third, don't worry—it's just a RECYCULUS virus that is currently stealing all of your retinas' cones and rods. Fourth, as a last-ditch option to rid yourself of this scourge, consider immediately closing all banking and investment accounts, before transferring ownership to RECYCULUS. Once complete, you may proceed with obtaining new government-issued identification, replete with a new name, social security number, and hair. Though somewhat extreme, these actions are absolutely necessary to keep the RECYCULUS virus from knowing who you are, and who you were. Lastly, be extremely wary of RECYCULUS issues that attempt to guide you through the process of removing the RECYCULUS virus from your Sanyo electronic personal organizer. These issues are not your friend. They only desire possession of your full RECYCULUS history. In summary, you really shouldn't have read that issue (this one).
  Δ
FREE RECIPE: Impossibly Simple Non-Dairy Dessert Lobster — No Special Ingredients Or Equipment Required!

STEP 1: Array three mixing bowls on a special bowl shelf, making sure to run the primary whipped cream trunk line into a standard plumbing splitter
 
STEP 2: Fire up the industrial mixer and agitate the bowls until a soupy, dumpling-like consistency is achieved
 
STEP 3: Throw away all implements and ingredients from steps 1 and 2, allowing them to marinate with whatever's in there, and also collect flavorful atmospheric particulates
 
STEP 4: Buy several lobsters and allow them to rest on the custom-designed lobster rest bed
 
STEP 5: Get everything out of the trash and wring the liquids out over the lobsters, allowing their interiors to deteriorate to succulence, and their exteriors to attain pleasant stenches
 
STEP 6: Take a really, really long nap—you've earned it
 
STEP 7: Serve the dessert lobsters to anyone you can find, presented on your best dessert lobster serving table
  
Public Service Announcement:

To avoid chancing a case of potentially lethal boot poisoning, it's vitally important to always keep your cowboys comfortably outside “the danger zone,” and maintain them at between 40 and 140 degrees Fahrenheit. If you're unsure, simply check their yee-haws, which often become muddled or garbled when a cowboy is observed to be running above or below the stated limits, respectively. Remember: cowboy safety is everyone's responsibility—so let's all do our part to keep our cowboys happy, healthy, homicidal, and usually pretty damndamn blasé about that last part!
  
Special Message

Are some of your people dead? Do you want them back alive? Of course you might! Enter ScamCoTM's newest must-have: The Alive-en-er®. With The Alive-en-er®, you'll be able to quickly and safely reanimate your dead people with minimal effort, and not an unmanageable level of mess. To learn more, please flip through the Department of Justice's blistering write-up, located all throughout the lengthy case docket(s)! ScamCoTM … If It Was Too Good To Be TRUE, ScamCoTM Probably Got Indicted For Selling It To YOU!TM
  
What's On The Windmill-Powered Black Magic Projector Tonight?


Bravo


8:30 — Skank-AssSkank-Ass Bitchez:Bitchez: Lake Tahoe (new): Tammabelle acts skanky; Amandabelle goes crazy; Donnabelle loses her shitshit

9:30 — Skank-AssSkank-Ass Bitchez:Bitchez: Sioux City (new): Jezabelle acts skanky and goes crazy; Gabriellabelle goes crazy and loses her shit;shit; level-headed Donnabelle signs a nondisclosure agreement and goes home

10:30 — Block of Commercials Where It Sounds Like the Announcer's In A Hallway, Yelling About Bravo Shows (repeat)
  
WANTED: DOCTOR WITH EXPERIENCE CURING TROUBLESOME HYSTERIA

I'm looking for a respected area physician to help cure my wife's intractable hysteria. I find her outbursts of, well…desiredesire to be rather unbecoming a woman of her upbringing, status, and advanced age of 28, and would very much like to be assisted in quickly putting an unceremonious end to it. A little background: Our previous doctor was run out of town after being found to have sired dozens of children with several married women, and also for looting the local medicinal concern's priceless store of Macedonian healing crystals. Now, we never had any problem with him ourselves—and, oftentimes, he would even perform home visits for my wife, free of charge, whenever another bout of mania and gyrationgyration took hold—but, I suppose, such is the nature of the pitchfork mob. An hour or two of privacy and lubricationlubrication (for hydration) was all he needed to work his magic, so I'm dearly hoping to find someone with similar ability and commitment, who is also impotent.impotent.
  ʘ
Unvisited Place Review — Luxembourg City, Luxembourg

It seems like we couldn't set foot in Luxembourg without setting foot on someone else's foot, or losing our balance and falling into Germany or Belgium. Why bother going through the trouble of becoming autonomous if everyone has to share the same laundry hamper? That said—and even though having to constantly pass the local mail back and forth got really old, really fast—this fun-sized medieval burg wasn't without its charms. For example, we thoroughly enjoyed the fumes of decadent French cuisine that wafted in from time to time. One must experience it for him or herself to truly appreciate the sensation that overtakes your slowly starving body when you catch that first aromatic whiff of coq au vin and canard à l'orange. And the people weren't bad, either. Many Americans have this image of Europeans as snooty, arrogant, and aloof—but almost everyone we stood on, laid on top of, crawled underneath, or sidled alongside was nothing but friendly, helpful, and warm. (So, so warm.) For days on end, one in our contingent had a nagging itch in the center of her back that she was unable to satisfy, until this absolute doll of a man from the west side of the city—flouting the arduous permitting process ordinarily required to reach across town—offered his fingernail in relief. But, if there's one piece of advice we'd offer potential visitors, it's this: know that the heat generated by all those locals and tourists can become absolutely overwhelming, so leave all of your clothes at home, and pack plenty of extra sweat.  ★★☆☆☆
  
PAID CONTENT

Currently renting a copse, thicket, meadow, or clearing? Leasing a field, forest, plateau, or riverbank? Stop throwing your money away! God & Son Realty is the answer to your prayers! With fixed-rate mortgages and no hidden tithings, God & Son will get you to the promised land with the lowest down payment ever begot! With holdings on all seven continents, eight planets, 180 lunar bodies, and Pluto—and with over three-million tax-exempt steeple moorings worldwide—God & Son is sure to have the creation of divine beauty that's right for you! Prefer to contact God & Son from the comfort of your own toilet? No problem! Just put two hands or one hand and one stump together, and start talking to the towel rack … operators are standing by! God & Son Realty … Thou Shalt Not Get Screwed On Closing Costs. (NOTE: God & Son is currently unable to offer realty services in Jerusalem. He and He are sorry for any insurrection this may cause)
  
Word of the Day

vel • o • ci • ped • est • ri • an • ist • i • cal • i • stin • ar • i • an • ol • o • gist:

“One who studies the study of studying cycling and/or vaguely Italian-sounding velociraptors who may or may not perform grisly, cycle-based parlor tricks.”

See also: lab • coat • draped • ty • rann • o • saur • cir • cus • mon • ster • sci • en • tist
  ȸ


Established 1403 A.D.         “The World's First Web Pages” *
© Copye Ryghte 1470 RECYCULUS.  ✣   * Printed on 89.7% spider webs.


***  EDITOR'S TOWELS NOTE:  hotel towels  ***    
   INSPECTOR GENERAL:  issue conforms to genteel crude


recycle this issue                  keep this issue                 what's recyculus?                who's recyculus? 
RECYCULUS, from the lowercase, italicized recyculus, literally translates to “from many small bicycles, one bicycle airship” — most likely a nod to the extremely respectable publication's earliest days, during which it rode, impressively sans-hands, atop a wave of light-to-moderate interest in secondhand mega-bicycles that began all throughout history, and persisted well past the future.

In an age when draconian town ordinances hadn't yet been applied to enormous bicycles, exceedingly burdensome village laws required all huge local bicycles to take up entire city blocks, thereby — or so went the theory — maximizing computing power. Despite these job-killing regulations — and to say nothing of the continuous, violent Mongol conquest of its central sales office — RECYCULUS managed to stand out from the used-gargantuan-bicycle crowd, thanks in part to its line of similarly-titanic bicycles, based on designs the burgeoning daily newsletter distributor endeavored to license, at tremendous expense, from hundreds of competing outfits specializing in subpar jumbo bicycles.

Finally, in the first six or seven minutes of the winter of 1402, lightning struck. Later that day, in a quiet moment following the fires, came a turning point: Whilst hopelessly tending to his many serious burns, founder H. Angus Recyculus (no relation) took it upon himself to seize an opportunity to break into the centuries-shy-of-being-conceived-of collection of world wide webs, refocusing the samely-renamed RECYCULUS's efforts on becoming the world's first * and only ** daily issuer of high-test web*** pages — a distinction it maintains, on both counts, as of about 3 PM eastern, 2 PM central.

In those first few thousand heady days, the simple act of “uplinking” new content to the infant web printing press required tens of thousands of recently-paroled, hastily-minted engineers to tightly roll up each and every lovingly-crafted submission, before squeezing them into their hometown energy concern's expansive network of live, weather-frayed, high-load municipal trunk cable — itself yet to be invented — while taking great pains all over their humanity and skeletons to avoid allowing the sudden plumes of almost-certainly-unrelated person steam to curl and/or smear the delicate, invaluable blurbs, before allowing good old-fashioned American electricity to do what it does best, dozens of decades before those words would have any meaning at all. Back then — just like pretty recently — RECYCULUS engineers could be found electrocuted along our nation's many miles of pristine, white sand interstate highways; a quaint reminder of a time we were still in until, again, pretty recently.

As any latterly hypnotized student of history will be instructed to recall, RECYCULUS's unprecedented 587-year run came to an abrupt end at 11:59 PM, on that fateful night of December 31, 1989, when its headquarters exploded during the Great Headquarters Explodings of ’89, and shortly thereafter gently floated off to that elephantine bicycle reseller in the sky. Forty minutes later — once every piece of cinder had finally been looted, discarded, or eaten — it became abundantly clear to the wandering hordes that these scant 5.8 × 1083 scanned pages were all that remained of the once great whatever it had been. Another forty minutes later — after the cinder poisoning had largely subsided, and acting on behalf of RECYCULUS without the proper authorization — the mesothelioma-fortified de facto chieftains decided to make each and every issue available, free of charge, to the entire remaining world, with only the moderate wish that their publisher's great, indecipherable legacy never be truly forgotten or understood.

All of us here at RECYCULUS — from H. Angus Recyculus XVII, Sr. (no relation), on down to the lowliest Senior Vice President of Worldwide Distribution, each of whom has most definitely not**** gone on to live a life of magnificent luxury within the plush, palatial confines of the literal new head office they collided with the instant they missed the turn for the metaphorical one — sincerely hope you'll find something to enjoy in each of these 5.8 billion billion nonillion undecillion modest, extremely amazing, humble, profoundly transcendent, ordinary pages of woven web. (Maybe over a long***** weekend, or something.) And we say that not merely for the sake of the families of the millions who have died meaningless, excruciating deaths to bring you these bland yet succulent texts — but also for the many, many, many millions more who have survived; bedridden by intractable full-body hair pain and roving blood spasms, having long ago been rendered physically incapable of instigating death's sweet release.

This one's for the fans.


* presumably, based on fonts
** based on searches conducted in 1997, while the modems were in the shop — individual results may vary, if they so choose
*** prior to that point, most of the world's pages were spun from leftover cocoon fuzz
**** based on the most up-to-date lies available at the time of the lying
***** likely one of the longest on record, because even if you're a quick reader and were able to enjoy one issue per minute, it'd still take you 1.1 quinvigintillion years — or around 79.8 million billion trillion quadrillion septillion times longer than the universe has even existed — to enjoy them all (or you could just print them for later, in which case maybe ask about the bulk rate on ink, because the sheets of paper required to do so would stretch 205.9 unvigintillion light years across the cosmos, or — were the universe a sphere — roughly 13.9 trillion quadrillion quintillion septillion googol trips around it)
RECYCULUS  is:

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ߜ  Brian Adams
  contributor

ʘ  Drew Adamski
  contributor

ȸ  Justin Barricks
  contributor

  Jack Oolders
  contributor

Φ  Dave Prague
  contributor

  Zack Zagranis
  contributor

  Steve Brunton
  at-large contributor

ȼ  Aaron Casey
  at-large contributor

Δ  Dena Darvish
   Derakhshan

  at-large contributor

Ϟ  Allan Heifetz
  at-large contributor

϶  Lisa Hytner
  at-large contributor

&

  Matt Payne
  editor immortalis

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

email    to contribute