Dad Joke of the Day
“If you lose your hearing, is it ear
replaceable? Thank you, thank you, you're too kind. I'll be here all childhood. Or at least until they inevitably terminate my custody rights.” ȸ
“Because there don't appear to be any organic life forms on Mars right now—and because we've sent tons of robots up there to relay information back down to us—technically that means 100% of Mars's current population consists entirely of robots. Think about that: we have a planet in our solar system that's solely inhabited by robots. Mars is a robo-planet. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, no, Mr. Bergens, I didn't complete my science homework per se.” ȸ
Practical Remedies, Or How To Live Your Life According To An Olde-Timey Cookbook, Part XIV
→ Rise early, retire early, and keep your head clear by paying heed to all the laws of health. Also leeches, because you have too much blood.
→ Take no stimulants, save the harmless ones of tea and coffee, and these not in excess, nor otherwise than at mealtime. Also, cocaine.cocaine.
Piles and piles of cocaine.cocaine.
→ For cramps of the leg, simply stretch the heel as far as possible, at the same time drawing the toes up. Also, take pains to maintain a healthy calcium, magnesium, and potassium deficiency.
→ Two hours is long enough to serve any dinner that Christians ought to eat, and three hours and one half is far too long. Also, long dinner boredom-induced footsiefootsie
can lead to serious venerealvenereal
disorders, including acute aroused penis.penis.
→ Ladies should draw their skirts into a space that will not crowd their neighbors at the dining table. Also, why are the wenches dining indoors at the men's table in the first place? I know for a fact that their barnyard slop-trough doth overfloweth, because it's 1513. ȸ
Word of the Dayvel • o • ci • ped • est • ri • an • ist • i • cal • i • stin • ar • i • an • ol • o • gist
“One who studies the study of studying cycling and/or vaguely Italian-sounding velociraptors who may or may not perform grisly, cycle-based parlor tricks.”
See also: lab • coat • draped • ty • rann • o • saur • cir • cus • mon • ster • sci • en • tist ȸ
FOR FREE: 100% all-vegan hamster gazing
I've been practicing the ancient, meditative tribal art of “100% all-vegan hamster gazing” for going on ten years now, and I feel that I'm nearing perfection with respect to the practice. That being the case, I'm inviting you, free of charge, to gaze upon my 100% all-vegan hamster for yourself, where you're guaranteed to reach a whole new level of oneness and looking at a hamster. For additional details, please send a message by telegraph to whomever you please. Sawdust will likely be provided. Namaste. ȸ
Pretty Decent Gig
As most people know, Frank Picante has vacated his Pretty Decent Gig for a role as a Big Shot Head Honcho at some fancy-pants business with a real nice office and everything. As such, we now need to fill the Pretty Decent Gig. The boss is pretty chill, the hours aren't bad, and you can drink all the coffee we have. You can wear jeans on Fridays and holidays, you know? Not bad. The pay isn't terrible either. Inquiries should be directed to Samantha Caliente. ߜ
Increase Your Culinary Vocabulary!pen • ne • cill • in
\from Modern Italyish, c. 20th century1.
tube pasta-derived source of potent antibodies, esp. when administered by rectal gel cap, snortable powder, ear suppository, medicinal tramp stamp, or eighteen-part series of direct retinal injections2.
(archaic) a vaccine-infused ravioli dish ✣
GROWN UP MAN SEEKING ADULT FEMALE COMPANION!
Hello, grown up women of America, I am an adult. As such, I am looking for an adult woman to be my girlfriend, so that my
friends at school co-workers at the adult factory might stop making fun of me everyday. As I'm sure you're aware, being an adult working at the adult factory can make it quite difficult to find a suitable adult woman. Between counting taxes, shaving skin, and drinking the alcohol, how is an adult ever expected to find love? Please send a recent daguerreotype of yourself without delay (preferably with one or more ankles tastefully exposed), so that I may determine if we are indeed compatible for adult interactions. ʘ
I'm a simple man: I like baroque composers, French art house films, and shamelessly lying about my likes to make myself sound like I didn't just fall asleep reading another Dean Koontz novel on the toilet. Φ