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THE MATT PAYNE EDITION

Today:
104° / 89°
extreme regret


Tomorrow:
97° / 79°
near-record regret


Sunday:
101° / 76°
extreme regret


Monday:
93° / 71°
regret late


Tuesday:
102° / 75°
near-record regret


“E. recyculus recyculus, et r. cyculus recyculus.”
“From many small bicycles, one bicycle airship.”




vol. CCXLII       no. 88,236
Fri., Jul. 29, 1644


taftFryerside Chats: The Taft Diaries
The Presidentialiest Thinks Ever Wrote
selected excerpts from the 4th Syphilitic Nonsense Era

“As I mentioned in a separate entry, the Taft Presidential Library is officially a go, and I can already hear you now (primarily due to the fact that I've been hiding in the second desk drawer from the top for several days), wondering aloud ‘adjacent to which of Burger Kang's 13,000 worldwide locations is it being constructed?’—so before you even ask, let's just lay your fears to rest, for, you see, that's the beauty part! The Taft Presidential Library will be located next to all the Burger Kangs! Now, no presidential library dedicated to yours Taftly would be complete without a minimum of two distinct books of equal or lesser value, so, for the sake of historical records, here's a quick inventory of the full collection, as it currently stands:

• ‘One Fish, ’(remainder of title lost in Mountain Dew fire; author[s] unknown)
• a 1985 VHS home recording of two-and-a-half episodes of Today's Special, courtesy of Nickelodeon Canada
• the only 800,000 copies of ‘The Taft Doctrine: Free Your Hands From Any Pickle Jar In Just 7 Congestive Heart Failures A Day’ known to mankind

I sure hope everyone owns and brings their reading shoes, and that that's a thing!”
  
More or Less Today in American Cheese History: 1975

Following its role as a popular jungle-fire accelerant during the Vietnam War, American cheese finally returned to U.S. shores in the fall of 1975. Expecting parades and praise, the plastic-wrapped colon lubricant instead received only gargantuan purchase orders from the nation's 16,000 distinct fast-food chains and public grocery quarries. It would be a week—if not a full eight days—before Americans would again find the courage to retrieve American cheese from the fridge and intentionally insert it into their faces. Though certainly one of the more difficult years in the long and storied history of this decay-resistent mouth guest, the emergence of disco music helped to bring American cheese and its values to a whole new generation of drug addicts and '80s keyboardists in waiting, because, as American cheese had always said, “When life gives you American cheese, that's the end of the sentence”—a little slice of wisdom that's not only stood the test of time, but the well-meaning yet ultimately disappointing recipes of HamburgerHelper.com, as well.
  
Guess You Just Had To Be There

“…and then I said, ‘Boy, it sure is lucky I'm here in the relative safety of my local disco dance club. I'll never make that mistake from before again.’”
  
What's On The Steam-Powered Story Time Contraption Tonight?


USA


7:00 — Law & Order: Hobo Stumble Upon-ers Unit (repeat): a wealthy hobo is found brutally murdered

8:00 — Law & Order: Law & Order (repeat): a wealthy law is found brutally murdered; a wealthy order is found brutally murdered

9:00 — Law & Order: Just Tampa Now (repeat): the wealthy Tampa resident is found brutally murdered
  
What's On The Steam-Powered Story Time Contraption Tonight?


Nickelodeon


7:30 — SkeezeJack the Talking Steel Wool Scrubber Brush (new): kid-friendly kitchen tool and friends make gross jokes you won't get until you're a little older

8:00 — ¡Muchos Grande Muy Caliente Muchos! (new): the half-hour they rent out to Telemundo every week for a little extra walking around money

8:30 — A Nicktime Original Movie, From Rugrat to Thugrat: The Chuckie Finster Story (new): a weird, jittery kid grows up to be a weird, jittery criminal and then dies predictably
  
Late Night Musings & Ponderings

No matter what else happens, at least Capitol Records always has the option of selling its namesake building to Stack of Dirty Plates, Inc.
  
FREE RECIPE: Impossibly Simple Non-Dairy Dessert Lobster — No Special Ingredients Or Equipment Required!

STEP 1: Array three mixing bowls on a special bowl shelf, making sure to run the primary whipped cream trunk line into a standard plumbing splitter
 
STEP 2: Fire up the industrial mixer and agitate the bowls until a soupy, dumpling-like consistency is achieved
 
STEP 3: Throw away all implements and ingredients from steps 1 and 2, allowing them to marinate with whatever's in there, and also collect flavorful atmospheric particulates
 
STEP 4: Buy several lobsters and allow them to rest on the custom-designed lobster rest bed
 
STEP 5: Get everything out of the trash and wring the liquids out over the lobsters, allowing their interiors to deteriorate to succulence, and their exteriors to attain pleasant stenches
 
STEP 6: Take a really, really long nap—you've earned it
 
STEP 7: Serve the dessert lobsters to anyone you can find, presented on your best dessert lobster serving table
  
Preferred Partner

Are you tired of missing your favorite Internets, just because you have to close up shop at the puppy mill or bake cookies for the prisoners? Well fret not, because you'll never miss another Internet, thanks to Daewoo Heavy Industries' all-new semiautomatic, electromechanical Internet recording devices, in hefty square shapesTM! All those Internets might fly by at breakneck speed, but you'll never miss your favorite ones ever again, once you simply PLUG! THEM! ON!TM The Daewoo Heavy Industries semiautomatic, electromechanical Internet recording devices, in hefty square shapesTM — now you can set your Internet to secondary settings, then menu down, menu down, menu up, auxiliary, set time format, exit, gradual warm-down, power off, power on, power onff, repeat, repeat, enter password, repeat, menu down, pause, un-pause, full repeat, RECORD, baby!
  
Did You Know This?

Picking up an old hobby is just like riding a bike. Whether it's quilting or knitting, crocheting or cross-stitching, embroidering or collecting teeth off the floor, the result's always the same: your auntie's special friend Tom screams at you for using the training wheels, causing you to crash headlong into old man Higgins's prized hedges, where you remain deeply embedded for the next ten to fifteen minutes.
  


Established 1403 A.D.         “The World's First Web Pages” *
© Copye Right 1644 RECYCULUS.  ✣   * Printed on 63.1% spider webs.


***  EDITOR'S GOLF NOTE:  another hole in eight  ***    


recycle this issue                  keep this issue                 what's recyculus?                who's recyculus? 
RECYCULUS, from the lowercase, italicized recyculus, literally translates to “from many small bicycles, one bicycle airship” — most likely a nod to the extremely respectable publication's earliest days, during which it rode, impressively sans-hands, atop a wave of light-to-moderate interest in secondhand mega-bicycles that began all throughout history, and persisted well past the future.

In an age when draconian town ordinances hadn't yet been applied to enormous bicycles, exceedingly burdensome village laws required all huge local bicycles to take up entire city blocks, thereby — or so went the theory — maximizing computing power. Despite these job-killing regulations — and to say nothing of the continuous, violent Mongol conquest of its central sales office — RECYCULUS managed to stand out from the used-gargantuan-bicycle crowd, thanks in part to its line of similarly-titanic bicycles, based on designs the burgeoning daily newsletter distributor endeavored to license, at tremendous expense, from hundreds of competing outfits specializing in subpar jumbo bicycles.

Finally, in the first six or seven minutes of the winter of 1402, lightning struck. Later that day, in a quiet moment following the fires, came a turning point: Whilst hopelessly tending to his many serious burns, founder H. Angus Recyculus (no relation) took it upon himself to seize an opportunity to break into the centuries-shy-of-being-conceived-of collection of world wide webs, refocusing the samely-renamed RECYCULUS's efforts on becoming the world's first * and only ** daily issuer of high-test web*** pages — a distinction it maintains, on both counts, as of about 3 PM eastern, 2 PM central.

In those first few thousand heady days, the simple act of “uplinking” new content to the infant web printing press required tens of thousands of recently-paroled, hastily-minted engineers to tightly roll up each and every lovingly-crafted submission, before squeezing them into their hometown energy concern's expansive network of live, weather-frayed, high-load municipal trunk cable — itself yet to be invented — while taking great pains all over their humanity and skeletons to avoid allowing the sudden plumes of almost-certainly-unrelated person steam to curl and/or smear the delicate, invaluable blurbs, before allowing good old-fashioned American electricity to do what it does best, dozens of decades before those words would have any meaning at all. Back then — just like pretty recently — RECYCULUS engineers could be found electrocuted along our nation's many miles of pristine, white sand interstate highways; a quaint reminder of a time we were still in until, again, pretty recently.

As any latterly hypnotized student of history will be instructed to recall, RECYCULUS's unprecedented 587-year run came to an abrupt end at 11:59 PM, on that fateful night of December 31, 1989, when its headquarters exploded during the Great Headquarters Explodings of ’89, and shortly thereafter gently floated off to that elephantine bicycle reseller in the sky. Forty minutes later — once every piece of cinder had finally been looted, discarded, or eaten — it became abundantly clear to the wandering hordes that these scant 5.8 × 1083 scanned pages were all that remained of the once great whatever it had been. Another forty minutes later — after the cinder poisoning had largely subsided, and acting on behalf of RECYCULUS without the proper authorization — the mesothelioma-fortified de facto chieftains decided to make each and every issue available, free of charge, to the entire remaining world, with only the moderate wish that their publisher's great, indecipherable legacy never be truly forgotten or understood.

All of us here at RECYCULUS — from H. Angus Recyculus XVII, Sr. (no relation), on down to the lowliest Senior Vice President of Worldwide Distribution, each of whom has most definitely not**** gone on to live a life of magnificent luxury within the plush, palatial confines of the literal new head office they collided with the instant they missed the turn for the metaphorical one — sincerely hope you'll find something to enjoy in each of these 5.8 million billion billion octillion decillion modest, extremely amazing, humble, profoundly transcendent, ordinary pages of woven web. (Maybe over a long***** weekend, or something.) And we say that not merely for the sake of the families of the millions who have died meaningless, excruciating deaths to bring you these bland yet succulent texts — but also for the many, many, many millions more who have survived; bedridden by intractable full-body hair pain and roving blood spasms, having long ago been rendered physically incapable of instigating death's sweet release.

This one's for the fans.


* presumably, based on fonts
** based on searches conducted in 1997, while the modems were in the shop — individual results may vary, if they so choose
*** prior to that point, most of the world's pages were spun from leftover cocoon fuzz
**** based on the most up-to-date lies available at the time of the lying
***** likely one of the longest on record, because even if you're a quick reader and were able to enjoy one issue per minute, it'd still take you 1.1 quinvigintillion years — or around 79.8 million billion trillion quadrillion septillion times longer than the universe has even existed — to enjoy them all (or you could just print them for later, in which case maybe ask about the bulk rate on ink, because the sheets of paper required to do so would stretch 205.9 unvigintillion light years across the cosmos, or — were the universe a sphere — roughly 13.9 trillion quadrillion quintillion septillion googol trips around it)
RECYCULUS  is:

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ߜ  Brian Adams
  contributor

ʘ  Drew Adamski
  contributor

ȸ  Justin Barricks
  contributor

  Jack Oolders
  contributor

Φ  Dave Prague
  contributor

  Zack Zagranis
  contributor

  Steve Brunton
  at-large contributor

ȼ  Aaron Casey
  at-large contributor

Δ  Dena Darvish
   Derakhshan

  at-large contributor

Ϟ  Allan Heifetz
  at-large contributor

϶  Lisa Hytner
  at-large contributor

&

  Matt Payne
  editor immortalis

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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