Fryerside Chats: The Taft Diaries
The Presidentialiest Thinks Ever Wrote
selected excerpts from the 4th Syphilitic Nonsense Era
“As I mentioned in a separate entry, the Taft Presidential Library is officially a go, and I can already hear you now (primarily due to the fact that I've been hiding in the second desk drawer from the top for several days), wondering aloud ‘adjacent to which of Burger Kang's 13,000 worldwide locations is it being constructed?’—so before you even ask, let's just lay your fears to rest, for, you see, that's the beauty part! The Taft Presidential Library will be located next to all the Burger Kangs! Now, no presidential library dedicated to yours Taftly would be complete without a minimum of two distinct books of equal or lesser value, so, for the sake of historical records, here's a quick inventory of the full collection, as it currently stands:
• ‘One Fish, ’(remainder of title lost in Mountain Dew fire; author[s] unknown)
• a 1985 VHS home recording of two-and-a-half episodes of Today's Special, courtesy of Nickelodeon Canada
• the only 800,000 copies of ‘The Taft Doctrine: Free Your Hands From Any Pickle Jar In Just 7 Congestive Heart Failures A Day’ known to mankind
I sure hope everyone owns and brings their reading shoes, and that that's a thing!” ✣
More or Less Today in American Cheese History: 1975
Following its role as a popular jungle-fire accelerant during the Vietnam War, American cheese finally returned to U.S. shores in the fall of 1975. Expecting parades and praise, the plastic-wrapped colon lubricant instead received only gargantuan purchase orders from the nation's 16,000 distinct fast-food chains and public grocery quarries. It would be a week—if not a full eight days
—before Americans would again find the courage to retrieve American cheese from the fridge and intentionally insert it into their faces. Though certainly one of the more difficult years in the long and storied history of this decay-resistent mouth guest, the emergence of disco music helped to bring American cheese and its values to a whole new generation of drug addicts and '80s keyboardists in waiting, because, as American cheese had always said, “When life gives you American cheese, that's the end of the sentence”—a little slice of wisdom that's not only stood the test of time, but the well-meaning yet ultimately disappointing recipes of HamburgerHelper.com, as well. ✣
Guess You Just Had To Be There“…and then I said, ‘Boy, it sure is lucky I'm here in the relative safety of my local disco dance club. I'll never make that mistake from before again.
What's On The Steam-Powered Story Time Contraption Tonight?
7:00 — Law & Order: Hobo Stumble Upon-ers Unit
(repeat): a wealthy hobo is found brutally murdered8:00 — Law & Order: Law & Order
(repeat): a wealthy law is found brutally murdered; a wealthy order is found brutally murdered9:00 — Law & Order: Just Tampa Now
(repeat): the wealthy Tampa resident is found brutally murdered ✣
What's On The Steam-Powered Story Time Contraption Tonight?
7:30 — SkeezeJack the Talking Steel Wool Scrubber Brush
(new): kid-friendly kitchen tool and friends make gross jokes you won't get until you're a little older8:00 — ¡Muchos Grande Muy Caliente Muchos!
(new): the half-hour they rent out to Telemundo every week for a little extra walking around money8:30 —
A Nicktime Original Movie, From Rugrat to Thugrat: The Chuckie Finster Story
(new): a weird, jittery kid grows up to be a weird, jittery criminal and then dies predictably ✣
Late Night Musings & Ponderings
No matter what else happens, at least Capitol Records always has the option of selling its namesake building to Stack of Dirty Plates, Inc. ✣
FREE RECIPE: Impossibly Simple Non-Dairy Dessert Lobster — No Special Ingredients Or Equipment Required!STEP 1
: Array three mixing bowls on a special bowl shelf, making sure to run the primary whipped cream trunk line into a standard plumbing splitter STEP 2
: Fire up the industrial mixer and agitate the bowls until a soupy, dumpling-like consistency is achieved STEP 3
: Throw away all implements and ingredients from steps 1 and 2, allowing them to marinate with whatever's in there, and also collect flavorful atmospheric particulates STEP 4
: Buy several lobsters and allow them to rest on the custom-designed lobster rest bed STEP 5
: Get everything out of the trash and wring the liquids out over the lobsters, allowing their interiors to deteriorate to succulence, and their exteriors to attain pleasant stenches STEP 6
: Take a really, really long nap—you've earned it STEP 7
: Serve the dessert lobsters to anyone you can find, presented on your best dessert lobster serving table ✣
Are you tired of missing your favorite Internets, just because you have to close up shop at the puppy mill or bake cookies for the prisoners? Well fret not, because you'll never miss another Internet, thanks to Daewoo Heavy Industries' all-new semiautomatic, electromechanical Internet recording devices, in hefty square shapesTM
! All those Internets might fly by at breakneck speed, but you'll never miss your favorite ones ever again, once you simply PLUG! THEM! ON!TM
The Daewoo Heavy Industries semiautomatic, electromechanical Internet recording devices, in hefty square shapesTM
— now you can set your
Internet to secondary settings, then menu down, menu down, menu up, auxiliary, set time format, exit, gradual warm-down, power off, power on, power onff, repeat, repeat, enter password, repeat, menu down, pause, un-pause, full repeat, RECORD
, baby! ✣
Did You Know This?
Picking up an old hobby is just like riding a bike. Whether it's quilting or knitting, crocheting or cross-stitching, embroidering or collecting teeth off the floor, the result's always the same: your auntie's special friend Tom screams at you for using the training wheels, causing you to crash headlong into old man Higgins's prized hedges, where you remain deeply embedded for the next ten to fifteen minutes. ✣