I'm about 99% certain that I'm the only person who actually exists, and the rest of you are just figments of my imagination—so go off and do with that information what you will, if you're really as “existing” as you all keep telling me you are through your court-appointed intermediaries. ౭
½ bed, ¼ bath apt. with simply stunning view of the retirement home. Pets are OK, but I have many lizards. Really, like, I have a lot of lizards. Must be willing and able to pay rent in the form of pogs, marbles, or Beanie Babies. No slammers, boulders, or Peanut the Royal Blue Elephants. Steelies and Tabasco the bull are OK. Building “technically” condemned or whatever. ౭
Hometown Local Area News
A man was arrested yesterday for forcing his way into the hometown local area preschool, and screaming incoherently at a group of young children enjoying nap time. When questioned by police, the perpetrator reportedly acknowledged an ongoing feud with little Billy “The Butcher of the Play-Doh Table” Thompson, and insisted that the little fuckerfucker “started it.” Thompson was also taken into custody, and is currently being held on $250,000 bail. ౭
Just Walnuts is the premier walnut services provider for all of your many walnut needs! And guess what? For the seventeenth consecutive year, Just Walnuts has been ranked #1 on the Forbes Walnut List, recognizing only the very best in companies that only sell walnuts! Oh, your company sells pecans? Perfect. Great. Good for you. Thank god someone
is. What would we ever
do if nobody was selling pecans? Just sit around eating all the glorious walnuts we bought instead? Geez—what an absolute nightmare
. Ha! Just kidding! Walnuts are the only
nut anyone cares about, loser! Oh, what's that? You like pistachios, now? Figures. I should've known—you're exactly
the kind of knuckle-dragging idiot I'd expect to go and like pistachios. How about you just eat your dumb little stupid idiot pistachios over there—no, much, much further, keep going—and we'll
be over here topping our endless, free-flowing ice cream sundaes with the only nut anyone actually cares about. Okay? Yeah, that's right—go cry to your almond-loving mommy, pistach-hole.pistach-hole.
You little pistach-clown.pistach-clown.
God I'm so sick of you. ߜ
THE BRIGHT SIDE: Growing Old
It doesn't even matter if you live to be a hundred and fifty—you'll never, ever run out of bleak, dreary bingo halls to yell “yahtzee!” into before robbing them blind. ✣
MORE BRITISH BABY ITEMS: Miscellany
• “Fifty Shades of Green” scratch ’n sniff potty-training picture book
• extraordinarily uncouth producer's cut of the double-sided EP Be A Princess Or Di Tryin'
• carefully synchronized full-body tattoos, which, when taken together, form a British Isles-sized “Baby On Board!” placard, viewable only from space, or possibly from the tops of extremely tall red buses ✣
Parenting Tip #52:
You're not alone—the first two years are always the toughest for new parents, because if the baby gets wet, it can still sprout gremlins. ✣
MAGAZINE PITCH MEETING
• 357 Great New Ways!
• A Healthier You Is Just Seventeen Steps, Twenty-Two Hours A Day & Fifteen Or Sixteen Years Away!
• Planet Earth: The Most Important Place In The World? We Find Out! ✣
LITTLE KNOWN FACT
Despite being the object of near-constant derision and ridicule—a reality against which they've fought and lost for centuries running—amateur magicians are, in actuality, just like you and me: they're really, really, really, really good singers. ✣