“The word eggnog is a portmanteau combining egg, from the Latin egguals, which roughly translates to ‘spiced amniotic drippings,’ and nog, a Greek phrase meaning ‘just nutmeg.’ The first eggnog is believed to have been brewed in 1765, by Native Americans of the Delaware Nation, and was likely offered as a gift to visiting Europeans, hence the inordinate quantity of horse semensemen found in recipes dating from the late eighteenth century. The new beverage was an instant hit among the marauding interlopers, who simply couldn't get enough of the concoction's gummy white sumptuousness, owing, again, to the simply incredible quantities of horse semen.semen. Eggnog's renown soon spread through the colonies like chlamydia through the colonies, originally under the decidedly politically-incorrect moniker ‘Injun Juice,’ and later as the less culturally insensitive ‘Yum-Yum Eggy Weggy.’ It wasn't until the drink made its way down to the dark, murky void of the underworld—and into the bone hands of various ghouls and assorted ‘spookums’—that it was finally rebranded as eggnog. Over the subsequent hundred years or so, eggnog continued to steadily increase in popularity, and, in fact, recently became recognized as the third most popular libation among all ghosts and phantoms surveyed, surpassed only by Seagram®'s Ginger Ale and Schlitz® malt liquor.”
—from “Drink of the Dead: A Comprehensive History of Ghosts and Also Eggnog” ⊫
Missed Connection: Dunkin Donuts, Late Last Tuesday
You: on the floor, hands behind your head, sobbing quietly while whispering “please don't kill me,” shoulder-length blonde hair.
Me: black ski mask, modified AK-47, screaming at the manager to “open the fuckingfucking
safe before I blow your fuckingfucking
head off,” possibly falling in love.
Maybe I'm getting a little ahead of myself, but I can already tell this whole ordeal was so
us. And things were certainly hectic, but as I was running out the door with my paper bag full of about eighty bucks, I glanced back over my shoulder and I swear, for just a split second, our eyes locked. Is it just me, or did we share a moment before the police tased me two dozen times? Either way, I can say this
much for sure: if I had it to do over again, I definitely would've taken you hostage instead of that whiny ten-year-old in the Pikachu shirt that kept pissingpissing
himself, but c'est la vie. I'm only allowed one phone call, and I'm saving it for you
—so I hope to hear back soon! ⊫
What's On The Windmill-Powered Black Magic Projector Tonight?
8:00 — The CBS Evening News with Jay Leno
(live)9:00 — Survivor: Albania with Jay Leno
(new): season finale of the popular Jay Leno/former Soviet Bloc reality competition11:00 — The Late Show with David Letterman Starring Jay Leno
(new): celebrity interview, Jay Leno, celebrity interview, Top 10 Jay Lenos, musical guest, musical Jay Leno ✣
While your assertion that a bottle of Coke Zero wouldn't be bound by the laws of physics turned out to be terribly misguided, I think we can all agree that it's really the Reno Symphony Orchestra's problem, now. ✣
IN THE NEWS
Compelling New Evidence Suggests Jesus May Actually Have Died For Our Jeans, Might Explain Why Bible Randomly References ‘Stonewashed Low-Rise Wranglers’ Nearly 3,000 Times
→ Revised Theory Based Largely On Some Big Trunk Full Of Ancient Sumerian Culottes, Re-Examination Of Shroud Of Turin's Rancher-Strength Denim And DKNY Monogramming ✣
What is “A Fact?”
As they say, there are no stupid questions—unless you're a contestant on Jeopardy!
, and for some reason you're under the impression that you know even the slightest little bit about third century Gælic hats, in which case we're in for an entire category's worth of very, very stupid questions. ✣
IN THE NEWS
The Company That Makes Toilets Introduces ‘Her-inal’ Women's Urinal, Forever Changes How Women Used To Not Have Urinals Before
→ New Female Toileting Option Is Strong Enough For A Man, But Bolted Up There On The Wall With Heavy-Duty 18-Gauge Railroad Spikes For Her ✣
Did You Know This Before Right Now?
Francis Scott Key—famed veteran of DC's gritty underground anthem scene—toiled in virtual obscurity for nearly ten years before hitting it big with 1814's Star-Spangled Banner
. The track—initially an overlooked B-side cover of the classic 1780 John Stafford Smith & The Fleet Street Battle Hymners' spunky sea chantey Tha Anacreonic
—eventually saw heavy rotation on college phonograph, quickly propelling the artist's debut LP Let's Get Frank
to the top of the Billboard Anthem 100, and paving the way for such future smash hit singles as Frankie Scott (In the Key of Free) feat. MixMassa Jefferson & Quinzy RADams
, Love (is the Key) feat. G.G. Wash & the D-Riva Crossas
, and the utterly peerless, certified triple-platinum ballad, YO! Canada
ASK DR. SCOTTQ:
Dr. Scott, is it normal that sugarplums are dancing in my head all year-round? Also, what the hellhell
are sugarplums, and why won't sugarplums just let me be?!?A:
How did you get this number? ✣